Our gift...

Markus took off a week to stay home with me and Simon. He went back to work on a Monday. We were told we would get the chromosomal test on that Wednesday. However, the phone rang about an hour after he left. It was the doctor. "The test results are back...and they're positive for Down Syndrome..." I didn't know what to say. He apoligizes and gives me some numbers for First Steps, a program for infants and toddlers with special needs. I jotted it down and politely ended the call. Then I broke down as I'm holding my sweet sweet boy, saying profusely, "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry..." I felt so guilty, like I somehow had something to do with this. That I didn't do something right for the cells to divide properly. If I had taken better vitamins before we conceived, was in better health, maybe lost some weight prior to getting pregnant... I knew deep down that none of these things would've made a difference, but I kept looking for justificaiton. Statistically it is usually the mother's cells that don't divide evenly. So naturally I was blaming myself. I also felt like I should've known. I grew him for heaven's sake...how could I not know!

I called Markus and he came home. We spent the day just being together...not talking much...I finally feel like I can do some research. I sent out an email to my friends and family with the news of his birth: weight, height, fingers, toes, and an extra chromosome. Their replies are all encouraging, none of that pity crap. Thank heavens!

In my research I found the National Down Synrome Society, and the National Down Syndrome Congress. The NDSS put me in contact with our local chapter, the Down Syndrome Group of the Ozarks. I talked to a lady from there on the phone and was very encouraged. The more people I talked to on the phone, the more comfortable I got saying, "I have a son that was born with Down Syndrome (last week) what do I need to know at this point?" They ALL immediately said "Congratulations on your new baby!" Their attitudes were very encouraging and upbeat. They said to just enjoy him and treat him like I did my other children. They recommended books (which I bought all of them!) and different websites for support.

It was that week after the doctor called that I lost it for the last time. I was having a difficult time one night (which was when my post partum tended to kick in...) and was laying with my husband going to sleep. We were talking and I was saying how I felt it was unfair for Simon to have this disability...why us? And what my husband said...stopped me in my tracks...so to speak...

"But Simon was up in heaven, waiting to be placed with a family, he would've gone to someone...anyone...God just chose us."

That right there hit me so hard..."No way! He's OUR baby!" From that moment on...I've not cried, not had a pity thought, not felt bad or ashamed, only joy that WE were given this gift. I realized that he isn't a disability, he isn't ashamed of himself, he's doesn't think he's any different...why should I think he is? He smiles at me, recognizes me, chatters at me, takes a bottle, messes his pants, sneezes, cooes, and looks at me with these amazingly ocean blue eyes. I can't wait to watch him grow and succeed in everything he sets his mind to. He find things more challenging than his non-chromosomally enhanced friends...but he is our gift from God...our "little Japanese buddy," as my husband affectionately calls him.